Big White is AWESOME! Cos the people... 12 - Josh Foster

Version 2.0
The original version did not have any adult supervision... 

Or 'The' Josh Foster, snowpro.

Yes, my teeth really are
this white... I eat
snow for breakfast.

Of course there are lots of snowpros at Big White, 160+ this season, so being a snowpro is great, but there are lots.

Let me tell you a little about a Ski Instructors qualification progression. This part is a little less entertaining... or abusive, you can fast forward to a more entertaining area about Josh if you want. Just scroll down to where it says 'this bit'.

Level 1.
A three day course, most people pass on their first attempt. The course is conducted by qualified and experienced Level 3 or Level 4 course conductors. The courses are run by the local ski school.

Level 2.
Two days of training and two days of assessed training. Both the skiing and teaching standards are much higher. Courses are run by the Canadian Ski Instructors Alliance (CSIA). These course conductors wear the (different) uniforms of CSIA. In addition to the course and assessed training, there is a minimum 10 credit requirement - 'teaching children', or 'Introduction to all-terrain' or 'Park' etc. and/or on-line modules. Pass rate is something below 100%. Of course I could have done some detailed research to find out accurate numbers but that would have meant me not only asking a question, but asking it to the right person and... actually listening.

Level 3.

Typical Level 3 candidate at Big White.
Yes, of course I'm lying.

Three days of training plus two days of exams; covering both teaching and skiing standards. Again there is an additional total requirement of 40 credits; any accumulated credits from level two count towards the total. There are advanced courses for credits - Advanced Teaching, Advanced All-terrain etc. again plus the on-line modules. Level three is where the pass rate drops dramatically - 50%-60%, (my goal this year is to reduce the average pass rate, for all candidates... yes, you are welcome). The candidate must pass both the ski and teach parts of the exam. 

At Level 3, instructors can develop their teaching qualifications and pursue Course Conductor qualifications. The qualification requires course conductor shadowing and er... other stuff and things I think... prior to the full qualification.

Level 4.
There are few Level 4 qualified ski instructors, Big White has five including the Snowboard side - less than 3% of all instructors at Big White. And the standards are pretty high, to secure your level 3 the prerequisites are achieving your level 2 plus 40 credits. The level 4 course is six days long plus four days of testing. And the pass rate...? Ha! don't ask... cos I don't know... or didn't, a reliable source tells me somewhere between 0%-20%. A pretty high standard eh? 0%... Zero?

No, the skis matching the jacket and headband
really is a coincidence.

And... in addition to the course, exam, level 3 prerequisite (with the credits) you also need one of the following...

• CSCF Entry Level (trained)
• CSIA Snow Park Certification
• CASI Level 1 Certification
• CSGA Pre-course completed
• CANSI Level 1 Certification
• CFSA Club coach workshop completed
• CADS Level 1 certification

Pretty intense! I don't even know what half of those are, I think the C stands for coffee. But, I hear you ask, who awards the Level 4 qualification? That is where The Josh steps up, and more often than not says "Fail" Yes, Josh is a Level 4 examiner, or probably more accurately Level 4 fail-er... what? It could be a word... Actually, Josh does not set the standard, it is set by the CSIA (the Coffee something...) if you don't reach the standard, you don't pass... did you read the zero %?

This Bit :)
But this blog is not about ski instructor levels, this blog is about The Josh... let me tell you a couple of things about him.

See the 'wave' in the corduroy? Enough ski pressure!

• Josh can communicate telepathically - it is true, I knock on his door and he looks at me and I get this message in my mind 'what the f*** do you want?'
• I can make Josh laugh, well I did once... "I am gonna try for my Level 3 exam." I told him, there was a smile, and a twinkling in his eye and then some telepathic communication 'Ha...! You're a dumb-ass'.
• Josh has been a member of CSIA for 25 years.
• Josh has tree trunks for legs. Actually trees are envious of Josh's trunks.
• Josh can ski fast... very. B******
• Josh can ski fast... very, when visibility is zero. Yes I said it, zero. I think he has radar, or sonar or some other Ar... he keeps it in his legs.
• Josh can ski fast... very, on bumps the size of VW bugs whilst making it look like he is skiing perfect corduroy.
• Josh can ski fast... very, on bumps the size of VW bugs, in zero visibility... whilst sick as a dog... B******. I did it, I said it again.
• Josh is my favourite ski instructor at Big White... named Josh... who has a second name of Foster... and is a ski school director. Yes, my favourite.

Occasionally I have had Josh as my instructor, he says 'do this' however I prefer to do 'that' a much more difficult method of skiing. Occasionally these techniques lead to new and creative terminology - 'neckulation' was a recent and inventive skiing style I employed; of course this led to another private telepathic message from Josh... 'Dumb-ass'. I know, I know, I have had that message... 

None skiing activities.
Don't make me explain the joke...

But what is this 'Neckulation'? I hear you ask, let me provide a definition - it is the idiotic style of skiing, employing head-bobbing in lieu of flexing ankle, knees and hips. Note - neckulation could be popular in other none skiing activities... well, I imagine anyway.

What else? Josh can get cranky... like a woman in the middle of her 'special' week after a shitty day at work, who has lost her chocolate, ran out of wine and found the kitchen filthy, whilst her husband is at the bar... two hours after he should have picked up the kids and forgotten to take the dogs out... dogs who needed to go, really needed to go... Actually I embellish a little, I have no idea what a cranky Josh is like... but I do have a wife... and kids... and two dogs...

Josh has his own TV show and website - 'Ski Tips with Josh Foster...' it is ok, and he is a Firefighter... and the Big White Ski School director... oh yes and a triathlete... but does he have a blog, read by up to four people every day! Didn't think so.

Anyway, that is enough mirth for this evening. 

Sólido Properties owns, manages, rents, seasonal, long term property at Big White Ski Resort... and is an over paid, underworked, over appreciated, amply rewarded ski instructor - (yes, I do want another job my job back) that has an Italian wife (the loud kind), kids, two dogs and occasionally (mistakenly) spends too long at the bar... 

Big White is AWESOME! GAP Programs... I'm jealous...

Yeah, the Ski/Snowboard Instructor GAP programs, I am a bit envious. And since it is the title, I will tell you about them.

"Ever been to
Big White, Canada...?"

Have you seen the groups going round with the Big White Ski Pros? The same groups day after day? Sometimes down at the Magic Carpet, others around the mountain?

They are all being taught to ski/snowboard and to reach the skiing and teaching standards - initially Level I, then progressing to Level II. 

11 weeks of skiing/snowboarding. 11 weeks of intensive training. 11 weeks accommodation in luxury homes. 11 weeks living on a mountain in Canada. 11 weeks of world class ski and snowboard instruction. 11 weeks making forever friends. 11 weeks of an experience of a lifetime... food, transfers, course and exam fees... flights... mentoring... shadowing options... opportunity to secure future employment as a ski/snowboard Pro...?

I love the smell of fresh powder
in the mornings.

Sounds pretty good eh? And it is all free! Okay, that bit is a lie. So yes, I am envious. I know, I am a ski pro already, I know I live at Big White, I know I live the dream life. But I got here the hard way... (I am from Wigan, England... do you know any Ski Instructors in Canada, who come from Wigan? Didn't think so...)

The three main program operators at Big White are Snow School, Snow Rehab and Nothin But Snow. All have a great programs and reputations. I know the guys at NBS better than others so I will play favourites and talk about them :)

They are AWESOME! There, done. That earned me a beer! I hope. Leigh, Sam... I am waiting.

Leigh and Sam hard at work... Feeling for you guys, try and smile.

For the next sentence please read in a James Earl Jones voice doing Darth Vader - 
'What does this experience of a lifetime cost, Luke?' Let us consider what is included... Father... If you break out the major items, you are probably looking at-

• Season Pass - $1000 - this includes night skiing 5 nights per week.
• 11 weeks shared accommodation ("Luxury, Luke" Darth again, "I know, Dad, I'm not dumb, I have the Force too you know" last bit was Luke... if you didn't know), and we are talking, granite, hardwood, pool, gym, heated floors, steam showers, ski in/out and private hot tub... Yes, private hot tub - I said it... Cuddly toy too... 11 weeks at $300 (+ taxes) per night, for six shared? What you want me to do the math for you? Okay $23k (+ taxes) - lets call it $4,000 each.
• Flights - $1500?
• Five days of full day lessons, x 11 weeks? $150 x 55 = $8,250
• Food - probably five breakfasts and five dinners a week - $250 per week = $2,750
• Level 1 course and exam $400.
• Level 2 course and exam is extra I think.
• Transfers - $200
• Mentor and guide - dunno... four million dollars...?
• Experience of a lifetime...? Priceless. (MasterCard stole that tag line from me - true story).

We are going to be ski instructors...

Total cost in the region of $20k. For the experience of a lifetime... $20k...? Not bad. Life is not about buying stuff, life is about fitting as much in, in the gap between being born and the other thing... So, good value? It is why it is called GAP programs... What? No, it has nothing to do with the gap between A' Levels and Uni... it is the other gap - in between born and buried. Yes it is... Yes... It Is. Whatever.

Look, all these companies are reading this, jumping up and down yelling in their heads "He's wrong, he's wrong! It is a lot less...!!!" I know... keep reading... and keep your goggles on.

And at the end, you are a CSIA trained and qualified ski instructor? Qualifications that will be attractive to ski resorts all over the world from Canada, to Australia, to New Zealand to Japan... Qualifications that will enable you to travel the world whilst being paid...? And... not just paid, being paid to ski? How many employees give you a free ski pass, free top quality outerwear? Yes, you have to buy some skis and boots... boohoo. I was in the Army, I got to travel to places were people were trying to jump all over my head... Er... can I have a ski pass instead please...?

What...? We can teach skiing... all over the world...?

I am a ski pro and I love my job but it took a while - British Army - six years including the First Gulf War, United Nations - three years in Former Yugoslavia (I did dodge bullets) BA, MBA, multi million dollar land development company and... going bankrupt, then hedge fund consultant (that kinda ended with the FBI... yes the American one). All before I got to be a ski pro (told you, I took the hard path).

Experience of a lifetime... $20k... expensive? Er no, not at all. Actually it is not that expensive; it is a lot less (Happy now guys?). Less...? Really? Yes, much less - go check out their websites. (Last bit is the 'call to action' it is marketing jargon) and here are their websites. (How convenient is this?)

Nothin But Snow - www.nothinbutsnow.com
Snow Skool - www.snowskool.com
Snow Rehab - www.snowrehab.com

Please note the spellings, I think (hope) it is intentional...

Listen to the voice...

Next step - ignore the voice. You know that voice in the back of your head that says go get a job, get a career, save your money, follow the path to retirement? That voice? Ignore it, you have one life, go and live it while you can, the rest of the stuff? Yeah, that will come.

No! Ha ha...!

Oh, and I also run Sólido Properties (Darth again please) the best seasonal property management company... at Big White... that writes a blog... sometimes the writings are accurate, and er... true, and er... sometimes they are less self indulgent... ha, who am I kidding... 


Last bit, my pitch... if you find yourself fully qualified as a ski instructor, with an employment position offered at Big White, and needing a place to live... Come find me :)

Big White is AWESOME! Yes, I said it, Awesome!

I think it is anyway. 

What? You want me to elaborate...? Oh okay then.

What does elaborate mean?

Let me give you some interesting statistics. Of course they may be fabricated... 

Big White Employees.
Roughly 850+/- employees, some returning for their second season, some have been here for many many seasons. New hires this year numbered around 500. I hear you ask how many applicants for those 500 positions Chris? 5000 applicants (I answer with lots of gravitas in my voice... just imagine it okay) a small 10% of all applicants. Can you say 'cream of the crop'? If you are one of the 10% now working at Big White... well kudos to

What, are they all Aussies?

you.

And the type of employees we 'enjoy' here? That liftie may have a Masters degree in Chemical Biology (don't ask me, I did business), or be a Landscape Architect, or the dishwasher could be a Musician just about to hit it big (I believe in you Lochy). Whatever... my point is... well think about it, each liftie, cleaner, dishie, server or ski instructor is here doing these jobs because they all want to follow a different path, they want the life experience, willing to do these jobs because it affords them this (probably life changing) challenge. 

Skiers who ski again.
The industry average for first time skiers returning is just 18%. 82% never return, less than one in five who try the sport come back... a scary stat if it is your business.

38% is Big White's statistic. 38% is a massive number, more than double the industry average. Or Big White outperforms the industry average by 111% - not bad eh? Not bad at all! Actually Big White's numbers form a part of the industry average, take them out and the average falls - no, I don't know by how much, I would have to do a bunch of time consuming research... and I am lazy.

So... Why does Big White outperform?

Skier Experience? Accommodation? On mountain food and beverage? Snow? Grooming Conditions? Family Friendly orientation? Fog? 

Yes... I used the F word MJB... okay, low lying cloud. Two years ago I was watching my son and daughter compete in a freestyle competition, it was the half pipe event and the fog was so bad we could not see the other side of the half-pipe, okay it was a 'super pipe' but still. Bad eh? Don't nod your heads and say 'yes, I've seen that too...' wrong, this was Whistler - Ha! Yes, other resorts get poor visibility too.

Not Whistler.

But... we outperform by 111%+? Pretty sure it is not because of the fog...

Snow.
The coast snow is wet and heavy. The resorts in Alberta are cold... really cold - fogging cold... did you like that? I created a relationship between fog and another F-word and then implied that relationship by using the inoffensive word. What...? You don't think it was cool? Well fog you then... Okay, back again - Eastern Canada - they don't have mountains, they have bumps; sorry Ontario but it is true.

Big White has champagne powder, we may not get the massive dumps (however we did get two feet in 24 hours recently) we get the three cm, the six cm, the 10cm... again and again and again - what does this mean? It means great snow conditions, it means perfectly groomed runs, it means enough powder to lift your skis off the base but not bury them, it means we don't know what ice is, it means great snow conditions in perfect ambient temperatures... It means a great skier experience.

And we always get snow, last year Whistler struggled, the skiers came to Big White... this year... same again...?

Family Friendly

Accommodation is kinda okay.

The kids centre is central to the resort; it is not tucked away in the car park. The kids have fun, they laugh, they play, they get tired (the good tired, the tired that makes them sleep, the tired that makes them feel alive), they learn... and they want to come back. I have two kids and whatever makes them happy we do again... ask my wife. Actually I have no say in anything... and... I have come to accept this, ask wifey - me good hubby, me.

Accommodation
World Class. We have some of the best in the world. Ever skied in Europe? And I built it, all by myself! True! Okay, I exaggerate.

Ski In/Out?

Er... Got nothing.

The biggest benefit is almost invisible... the biggest benefit is being able to go home whenever - tired, kids are cranky (yes they get cranky), hungry, cold... forgot your pass, wallet...? Whatever reason, getting back is easy. You don't have to wait until the end of the day, you don't have to drive, bus, for 40 minutes to the condo, you don't have to load/unload the car twice a day. Ski in/out? That is AWESOME!


Food and Beverage?
It is great, it is the best. Big White is transitioning to a two season resort, but prior we were a five month resort - each restaurant, bar, cafe, pizza place has to generate 12 months of revenue in six months - this is not done by providing crappy food and/or service.

Ice Tower... For those who cannot not tell... 

Activities?
Ice skating - it is the largest outdoor rink in Canada. Tubing - largest in North-America. Ice Tower - one of two in Canada (actually I just made that up, but it sounded good). Dog Sledding, cross country skiing, snow-shoeing. Lots to do.




And finally... Ski School!

Okay lads, we are going to go down the hill and
then er... up the hill...
(yes I know I used the same joke earlier... shut up)

Combined ski and snowboard professionals number almost 200 at Big White. All those red and black jackets you see hanging around the village looking intimidating... yes that is the Ski School. The other clue for you is the big Ski School logo on every jacket.

They are front and centre, they are the face of the resort, they spend more time with clients than any other department - a lesson is two hours, private three hours, all-day private six hours. Their role is to create the fantastic skier experience (or snowboarder). Whether the client is three or 83. They can make the difference between fantastic and the word belonging at the other end of the spectrum - fog? With a 111% premium, they must be doing something right.

But don't be intimidated, come and talk to us (yes, I am one also) ask us for a quick ski tip - we are only human and believe it or not, we were once beginners too... yes, it is true.


Big White... It is AWESOME!

Sólido Properties Ltd (yes, I am pitching my other business here, and it is a link - click it.) owns, manages, rents, many properties on the mountain (yes, I know it's in the name) for owners looking for alternative and stable revenue streams. We offer a semi illiterate, verbally limited sales pitch, employing clichés and fabricated numbers to sell our service to the easily duped... And, If you are still reading this... 1. stop, and 2. I lied on the last bit - we are Awesome too!

Big White is AWESOME! Skis for sale.

Yes. This is an advertisement.

Well... kinda.

I was discussing with wifey the various merits of skis... it went along the lines of-

Me - "I think I probably need some new skis..."
Wifey responded with one of those loud silences... Initially I jumped to the conclusion that she wholeheartedly agreed with my assessment. I continued.

Me - "Yes, I'm not sure whether I should get the Head Rally or the Head Rev85... or maybe I should just get both... what do you think?"
Wifey - more silence... but she is looking at me... this is a positive sign, right...?

Me - "Blake raved about the Rally and so did Dobbi, and they are really good skiers... I should get some..."
Wifey - more silence and she is still looking at me but now her head is kind of tilted to one side and her eyebrows are raised... she doesn't seem to be blinking.

My pic.

Me - "And Lindsey at Dizzy's really likes the Rev85 especially as a teaching ski... he suggested I get both... I like Lindsey"
Wifey - still no sound and no movement... well actually some movement... there seems to be a vain pulsing... well maybe not a single vein...

Me - "Maybe boots too... what do you think? Now I know I have four pairs of skis already, but you are wrong* when you say four pairs are enough..." 
Wifey - "...

*I strongly recommend not using this word unless it is predicated by 'I was...' 

I kinda missed the first part of what she said, it was in a very low, almost inaudible tone, you know the one dogs make when other dogs go near their food... they get all still and stuff and their teeth start showing... and have you ever seen those politicians that talk really fast and they kinda start foaming at the corners of their mouth?

Anyhoo... cutting the story short I have some skis for sale, apparently I was mistaken (very) about telling her she was wrong. Consequently I realized I have far too many pairs of skis...

My pic too/two.

So...
Atomic D2 (the first pair of skis I don't need anymore... apparently if I don't use them I don't need them... it is a new rule in my house (when I say 'my' I really mean her) rule #1753).

From some online ski mag.
I like this pic cos of
 the retail price...!

The Details
Length 175cm
Tip 125mm
Waist 75mm
Tail 112mm
Bindings Atomic Neox TL
Max Din 12

The skis have some surface scratches... but the bases are great, they were waxed and edged for summer storage. The bindings are fully adjustable to fit almost any size ski boot.

Not my pic.

If you want a very good ski as a second pair or even (I hate to say) for early season/marginal conditions these are the ones. $175.

These are a heavier ski but they will cut through anything at Big White, yes even rocks... not really but they are very stable. Not really a beginner ski, more intermediate/advanced - perfect for carving on groomer days. I am 5'9" and 177lbs and was borderline for the shorter length.

Next.

Look - skis are already adjusted
for carving a left turn 

Dings

The next pair of skis I discovered I no longer want... a pair of Rossi Scratch. Twin tips, park ski (90% park according to the all knowing internet thingy). Actually I like them for bumps (cos I am crap in the park) on 4-6cm powder days.

The Details
Length - 174cm
Waist - 80mm
Bindings Scratch 200 
Din setting - 11

Whooo... look... pretty angle pic.

A lighter, wood core ski, more edge control than the wider BC version (I have a pair of those too...) but the tips can chatter somewhat. Easy to turn, twitchy and light.

Bases are almost perfect and the surfaces have some minor scratches/dings see pics. Waxed and edged - $125.




The skis are on the mountain (currently causing matrimonial strife) if you are interested in the skis (or saving my marriage) you can email me at solidorentals@gmail.com

Big White is AWESOME! Season is nigh...

New Brad in Green... and without the neck beardy thing.
Click the link, go on, click it Bluebell loves
being called New Brad.

Not really sure what 'nigh' means but it seemed to fit.

And yes the season is almost here, we just need that white stuff... not that stuff*... Snow! Yay! It did try the other day and then it rained... which caused me a headache. Actually it cause lots of people headaches in my little circle of acquaintances.

*Please note I was referring to flour here.

One of my places flooded... without permission. It would seem the drain rock on the uphill side of the building decided to be just rock, whilst the home became the drain. So, headache for my tenants... "...er Chris, we have a cm of water throughout the house..."

I had to find them a temporary home for a while... anyone been trying to find accommodation recently? You know how easy this is... And my owner (who just 10 days ago replaced all the baseboard) is in the process of rectifying the new problem... and replacing baseboard... again...

Despite the owners best efforts, the tenants best efforts and my own... cursing repeatedly, did not provide an effective solution to the problem, not yet anyway... I'm still trying.

What a cute couple of lovebirds... with Jo.

And all my places are full... yay! Of Aussies... Boo! Who have paid...! Yay! Only joking I like Aussies, they are like elephants, interesting to look at... wouldn't want my own tho. Actually I rented two yesterday, Steph and her friend... great value. What...? They helped me clean a place.

And halloween at Sam's how awesome was that!!? What a cool way to start the season. Great pics eh? I chose them myself, it is a natural talent.

People ask me why I do this blog. They say 'why... why... why...!' A number of reasons, for example my fans... well fan (thanks mum) and my own personal entertainment, cos it is all about me. Oh yes it is, oh, and to promote my business.

Doing this blog has taught me lots. Did you know that abusing people attracts the most views? It does, who would have guessed. I did some extensive research and came up with some interesting facts leading to some quantitative and qualitative conclusions... 'oooh look... that's cool...' my work is not published yet. Apparently Academia is a little behind the times and still does not recognize 'that's cool' as a valid conclusion to a hypothesis.

So in the interest of shameless self promotion of my business and for business development reasons...

Doc Mike having the 'situation'
explained to him by Troy.

Tenants, new, mostly. Chrissy is still here, she is my best. Yes she is. I don't care Lucy, you are not #1. You are number 1... living in Treetops... 27... who works for Big White... named Lucy. Happy now? Marty and Jen-Abel (I don't know how to spell it...) are with Chrissy. Peta the 'just one more beer...' girl moved all the way to next door... gonna wish she stayed, I dropped off some beer last night... it is my thing, well the thing I do, not my thing thing... And actually the tradition (that I just made up) is to invite your beer provider dude in when he provides beer... yes Adele I know I used that joke last night... 

Now Adele... she was one of my tenants in the new unrequested swimming pool, she was a little upset... I said 'think of this as an adventure...' I got a 'look' and shut my mouth. I tried a joke (see above)...

Anyway, I think that is it for me, I have to go and do that thing again... you know work... so inconvenient.

Not #1 

Sólido Properties  lives, owns, works, rents and manages properties and does not update the website in a timely and professional manner. Tries (and seems to be failing this time) to sign off on the blog with unique and humorous closings, drinks beer, and hides his bald spot with a took...

And has a Facebook page, you should 'like it'... I don't know why, is it not what you do? Okay... whatever.

A Story...

"Chris... Chris...? Y'alrite mate...?" My radio was speaking to me, it was Yam Yam. He was sounding a bit distressed... 'yes, I think so...' my mind was talking to itself, I was bruised, everything was upside down, no visible blood tho... I'm... I seem okay. I found the mike, "yeah..." I groaned into it, "I think so..."

Seconds later Yam Yam opens the door and sticks his head in... I look up at him... "fuckin el, Chris, you fuckin idiot, whar happened...?" (You have to forgive him, Brummie you see) Well, as it happened I had rolled my class II truck with about what was $2m of UN equipment on the back... generators, now worth significantly less... as was the $250k truck now upside down... We had to go though, he new it, I new it, the place was dangerous. The Serbs liked shooting at us in this area, but we were not special, they liked shooting at everyone.

Actually being shot at was part of the 'turning the truck over' thingy... kinda...

Yam Yam was my convoy partner out of Tuzla Airbase during the Yugoslavian crisis, we would drive in and out of Bosnia, usually to Zagreb via Split and the coast road. Pre-war, the trip would take 3-4 hours by highway; sometimes it took Yam Yam and I 36 hours to get to Zagreb. Different roads, different routes, different road blocks but we got through every time... well except the truck thingy this time... Beer would help the road blocks become access routes... sometimes we would see tracer bullets flying overhead, you could not hear the shots, they were too far away but you could see the red tracers. One time a mortar landed behind a grassy knoll on my left, and the truck driver in front of me panicked running round checking his vehicle, well you would wouldn't you, if you were driving a fuel truck.

Not only was Yam Yam my convoy partner, but we also lived in the same house in Tuzla, we both enjoyed intermittent heat, no telephone, water sometimes and no electricity... (actually we had 'found' this UN generator, just sitting there (in storage), it gave us 4Kw of power) and when we did have electric there was no TV, but we did have a video recorder... but no videos. I lie... we had one season of Blackadder... we watched it lots... And lots...

I had met Yam Yam 18 months earlier, both of us landed in Zagreb around the same time late 1993, in the middle of a snowstorm. Our induction and pre sector deployment had us in what was (pre-war) a beautiful spa hotel an hour outside of Zagreb city. Indoor pools, outdoor pools, hot tubs etc. The indoor pools were great, the outdoor pools were cold, being buried in snow does that. One of my first memories of Yam Yam was daring each other to swim a length of the outdoor pool... cold - I think my bits have still not recovered... that is my excuse anyway... What...? I was 25, I could do dumb stuff as a 25 year old.

Oh, the truck turny over thingy. The place was called Banovici, (unsurprisingly, still is) and it was a contested area, and the only route in and out of Tuzla. To make the road safer for UN staff/civilians a Pakistani battalion was tasked with escorting UN vehicles through the area. Yes, yes, sounds good. No no no! Not good, not good at all. We would line up behind these big armoured vehicles and get escorted through. Escorted at 10km/h... We are not in 2" thick steel armoured vehicles, we are in these civilian trucks, built for fuel efficiency - thin. And we had gone from a fast moving target (we did not hang around waiting to be shot at...) to a very slow moving target...

Yes we had flak jackets on (designed to keep the body parts together if hit, saving lives... not so much) and helmets... I should be safe if a 50cal slug hits my helmet at 800mph... maybe? but it was a pretty blue colour. 

We did not like the convoy idea... no, not at all. To avoid the convoy we would go through in the middle of the night, lights off and hauling... fast... no helmets.

I had done the trip a week earlier, me and some Mexican guy. Middle of the night, lights off, hauling... Light machine gun fire is a scary noise when it is targeted at you. They got one of my tires... I had nine others, we were okay, but I'm not stopping to change the tyre...

So this time I was nervous... we had left early but daylight was coming, the hill was steep and fast and at the closest point you had to slow right down to take a very sharp left hand turn. My truck was loaded heavy... big, big generators... too fast. I don't remember much, I remember tilting and falling towards the passenger window, it exploding inwards before I hit it, but not much else until I hear Yam Yam "Chris... Chris...? Y'alrite mate...?" 

I was okay, bruised, in shock. We went back to base, came back with a contingent of Swedish Engineers, got shot at again, dove into their armoured vehicle and back to camp. I saw Susan, she took the piss (fortunately I was still in shock...) Interesting day.

But you see, things sometimes turn out good. I wasn't scheduled to return to Tuzla, I was on leave heading back to the UK for a couple of weeks. The key point... I was leaving Susan in Tuzla. We had only just met and she would be gone by the time I returned. I would never see her again... But I couldn't go, could I? My transport was upside down in a ditch being used for target practice.

Susan and I got together and 19 years later have a fantastic life in Big White, kids, dogs, skiing... all is good.

Mostly...

I found out today.
RIP Yam Yam.

Big White is AWESOME! Cos the people 10... Lucy... and a Germany Story

Lucy, Lucy, Lucy...

Bottom wiper to T-Laz, amongst other things like being British, yes, yes, you know the place where humour comes from. Actually most countries have humour (except Germany of course...)

Oh... tangent...
Did I ever tell you about the German border guards? No...?

A long long time ago in a country far far away... Bosnia actually, I was working for the UN in Tuzla (North East Bosnia). Susan and I were on leave and visiting Fulpmes in Austria, which is pretty close to the German border; and just over the German border is Garmisch - a beautiful little town that happened to have an American military base, complete with a PX.

What's a PX? I hear you ask. Let me tell you; a PX is one of those military stores that provides American goods, tax free to military personnel... and being an ex British Army type dude I had rights n stuff, well I had an ID card.

Sooo, we set off to the PX, I was driving and we get to the German border, "Kin ve see your driverz licenze pleaze?" (a german accent is pretty tough). I gave him my UN license - good for all over the world... except Germany apparently. "You cannot enter wid zees... do you have some zing elze?"

Now... it just so happened that Susan had an international drivers license, honest, straight laced, rule abiding Susan... had an expired international license... well, expired in the normal sense of the definition. The license is valid for 12 months and her license expired in 1995, to get her UN license for 1996 she had to produce a valid international license, not easy to do in 'a land far far away' unless of course you change the 5 to a 6... then voila... Legal! Well in a 'hope I don't get caught' kind of way. I can see you are shocked.

The German border guards were happy to see (glance at) the license and let us proceed... with Susan driving of course... Coming back was a bit different, we get to the border and Susan hands her 'forged' license to the new border officers... who look at it... closely... and then disappear... and then reappear with a 'look' on their faces... and then ask us to exit the car... and go into this little room... interrogation room... 'zis ees not correct!'... Who would guess the Germans would be able to identify (un)professionally forged documents...? Ah... well you see officer, I just met her... I didn't know she was participating in international criminal activities... I'm ex-british Army, I have Thatcher on my side... 

Anyway, long story short we were fined Dm 200 and released, actually she was fined... we paid. However the none too friendly (with Susan) border officers told her she could not drive with her 'doctored' license... At that point I brought out my UN license, "Can I drive with this...?" saving the day again, and off we went.

Of course somebody was mad a somebody else... yes I did tell you to get out your license, yes I did know it was 'edited'... yes to other stuff too, but I did not do the editing in the first place did I? For some reason logic does not pass as a valid position...

So... yes, Lucy Gilbert, of the Gilbert and Sullivan fame, yes, she is related to her dad, who has the same name as one of the singers. True story.

Anyhow... Lucy did a whole bunch of stuff for the Bike, Hike and Beverage (did you get the t-shirt?) weekend. She was the one behind the desk looking really really really happy, in one of the 'I'm effin miserable' ways. Lucy is really good at those looks.

And I missed mentioning her in my last blog... the girl she wipes the bottom for was up in arms about this, which is important because if you have seen Taryn's arms they are longer than Lucy's feet. 'No-way dude!' 'Yes, way, dude!' When you see her on the slopes... look closely, those are not skis my friend...

Apparently Lucy is a bit OCD... when she has a meal none of the food types on her plate can touch each other and she has something called a 'king-bite' the last best bit, the most tastiest morsel, the pure, unadulterated, fat free, bite sized portion, saved for the very last delicious bite. I can see her reasoning, I understand the compulsion, I have to respect Lucy's desire and need for food control - I cannot argue against the 'king-bite' way of life. It truly is the one element of pure control in a life of chaos (she works for Michael J... you know what I am talking about Lewis). Food peace/piece be with you Lucy.

Hey... did I tell you about the competition we are having this year? It is gonna be great, the prizes are awesome! Well it is beer so same thing. The rules are simple, rule one - steal Lucy's king-bite from her plate, rule two - eat said king-bite, rule three - take picture of Lucy. And the best thing... there are no limits, you can do this as many times as you want/can. Anyone who can do this will win a six-pack - pics must be provided. Sólido takes no responsibility for injuries incurred during the competition.


Okay, last bit. Loocey does not look like Zooey Deschanel, look at the pics below, they are nothing alike-

That is not a cherry my friend.

No, please do try to take my king-bite... I won't mind... much.

Told you, the one on the left is Loocey, other left, well when you are looking at the picture from the right, then it is right. The one over there with the red stuff... is not Zooey, that one is Lucy, I think there was an incident...

Sólido Properties rents, owns, lives, manages, avoids crazy tenants, drinks beer, gives away beer... sometimes, has fun making up stuff in a blog, keeps fit running away from people written about in said blog and needs more property gosh darn it - that is my southern American accent. Oh... and you see those annoying little ads around the page? You should click on those, it makes them go away... what, it didn't work? Try again... keep trying... try the other one... wait, refresh the page then try them all again. That should work... no? Click it twice, each... must be a glitch, come back and try again tomorrow.